To start, a warning. I will not be re-reading or editing this post. It is very much a post for me. It's really to help me gather my thoughts, hopefully coherently. Ok, consider yourself warned.
Today, church was hard. Why? I'm not really sure.
Maybe because today marked the 1 year point for us of attending Trinity. Don't get me wrong, I love it there. I have enjoyed being a part of the fellowship of believers there. I have enjoyed getting to know people there. It's starting to feel like home. I guess that's the problem. It also makes the one year mark of Sid and I having no ministry. And I feel like none, at all. And that's hard. I haven't sung in a choir, served in the nursery, or worked with a teenager, worked, HA, I don't think I even know more than a handful of names of teens there let alone anything about them!
I guess part of it too, is that I just figured we would
never be there for a year. I thought for sure that God would have moved us to a new church where Sid would be working. So maybe it's hard because I was so sure we'd only be there 6 months. I keep holding on to the hope that He will, someday. But I have stopped putting a time frame on it. The other part of that is that I haven't allowed myself to make
real friendships. I want to, but why put myself through the pain of having to tear myself away if we're just gonna be here for a little while. But now it's been a whole year. And I have and am friends, and more and more I am allowing myself to make the deeper connections that I want, and need, and I think that God wants us to have with other believers. I mean, how can we lift each other up, if we aren't close enough to reach each other, right?
I hate being or feeling like I'm in limbo. And yet, here I am, a year of it. I don't know why. I keep asking myself, and God, what haven't I learned yet? Why are we still here? What comes next? When will Sid have a regular, full time job? This cobbling together hours from 2 or 3 places is slowly killing me. And him.
The other thing I was thinking about this morning, was why do I feel like I've been shunned? Not by Trinity, by any means? But the last one? I have seen, with the exception of a retreat in March that none of them knew I would be at, 2 of my friends. And one of them it was only once. Is that just out of sight, out of mind? And I know that a telephone works both ways, but really? I was so hurt when we left, and this house is mine, but only kinda-sorta. It's hard to invite people over. It's getting easier to do that, but it's taken almost a year.
I guess I'm still sorting everything out, and typing it all out helps.
Is so contagious. I cannot see it and not smile back. It is so lopsided. It has been since her very first one! I'm so glad that she didn't grow out of it. She smiles and her whole being lights up. From the inside out. She smiles with her eyes more than anyone I've ever met. I'm sure you've read in books where the character has smiling, or dancing eyes. Well, this kid's got 'em!
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